Trusting the Way ForwardPosted: June 11, 2013 | |
What is reliable formula for trust? What variables comprise this critical equation in which we entrust another person, another place, another process with our safety and comfort? Trust implies something certain and reliable, and yet a peek beneath it seemingly solid surface reveals not a stationary foundation, but a shifting one. Trust can land you firmly planted on solid ground or trust can lure you out onto thin ice, creaking and threatening to break beneath your feet for an unsuspecting plunge into treacherous waters.
Where to start with trust? and where to go from there? So much of trust is implied…
I trust what I know.
We tend to trust most easily that which is familiar to us: looks, thinks, and acts most like us. Our families, neighborhoods and social circles, all carefully selected and cultivated to reflect ourselves. And yet, to what extent can you trust something that has never been challenged by an unusual (and potentially adverse) situation or condition? How often do we hear the sound of surprised betrayal in someone’s voice when they recount how someone they knew and thought the could rely on has let them down when the unfamiliar circumstances arrived?
I trust a proven track record.
Some would say that they only trust those who have proven themselves worthy and have displayed the stalwart loyalty necessary to earn trust. Trust is not so much implied by familiarity, but is validated by experience and observation. But what about those situations that arise suddenly when you have to trust someone with whom you have no history and who comes without adequate information? How do you make a decision whether or not to trust?
Moving across the country brought up key moments when trust was necessary and upon reflecting on those, I propose that a combination of faith, empirical observation, and pure situational chance wind up influencing our decisions around trust. Because in the end, my husband and I found ourselves throwing away a major piece of our moving strategy and trusting ourselves and one complete stranger to help us make a pivotal decision for our move.
It is safe to say that we had a fair amount of naivete in going about what we were trying to do. We had picked our city and knew we wanted to live in its urban core. And we had decided we wanted to buy a house under 50K. Looking on the Internet, that great engine of information, we found many possibilities. But the algorithms of the Internet rarely deliver information with the context of culture and history. The city’s long history of institutional red-lining and racial segregation were not apparent on Realtor.com, but the effects of it were. Realtors we spoke with expressed reluctance, resistance and even refusal to show houses past certain dividing lines in the city, thus making these effects even more explicit. It became increasingly and disconcertingly clear that we were uncomfortable trusting an agent who wanted to ensure we only looked in neighborhoods with “like minded” people. We began to feel anxious around this lack of trust and became aware of how necessary trust is to feel able to move forward, make changes, and make decisions. To remedy this, my husband started reaching out to people he was connected with on social media that he knew were invested in the urban core and from there it was a shorter, albeit still precarious, leap to an agent willing to show us homes that would enable us to fulfill our goals.
Hardly had we established ourselves back on firmer ground, when uncertainty inserted itself in our path once again. Shotzee, our lovely old schnauzer, got sick the night before we were scheduled to fly to Kansas City and look at houses. And we knew we couldn’t leave him with anyone. It had to be us to care for him. We had to decide: do we cancel the trip entirely? does one of us go? and which one? We didn’t like any of the options…we wanted to go at that time and we wanted to go together. But we had no choice. We had to make a decision and there were multiple outcomes of the decision which required a lot of trust. Trust to work with a realtor we didn’t actually know, to confirm KC was where we wanted to move, to pick out a suitable house (no easy feat in the urban core of a complicated city), to ensure Shotzee got the care he needed, and for one of us to face having Shotzee put to sleep in our absence and the other to put him to sleep while home alone. Thinking of all these decisions now, I see how we could have drawn a very complex diagram with corresponding risk analysis weighing all of the options. But in the end, it was relatively straightforward. My husband had never been to Kansas City and he had been in contact with our realtor up until that point so he was most familiar with her. It really didn’t make sense for him not to go. And while it wasn’t really discussed in conversation, if I had to choose between picking out the house I was going to live in and deciding what medical care my dog was going to receive, I would choose the dog. No contest.
So our strategic plan to go to KC together was out the window. All three of us went to the airport: myself, my husband, and Shotzee. My husband went on to KC by himself to look at houses with our completely unfamiliar realtor. And I stayed home to care for Shotzee…and put him to sleep three days later while my husband was gone. The day after my husband returned to Portland, we put an offer in on a foreclosed home in Kansas City made possible and facilitated by our outstanding realtor. I never saw the home or the neighborhood before we bought it other than in photos.
When I tell this story, people are stunned that I bought a house I had never seen. The wonder at how I could put so much of the weight of this decision in my husband’s hands. And the answer is pretty simple…
I trusted him.